From August 2016
As we prepare to welcome our second child into the world, I think back on the last year and a half of our life.
2015 brought us to a new city and state, through a second life-threatening ectopic pregnancy, a miscarriage and then a healthy pregnancy, not to mention many other new challenges that will go unmentioned for now.
Fear can seem a powerful force when looking at what we each face and what we each carry from the past, but fear cannot be the foundation on which we make decisions and live our lives. My questions have been,
“What if I go through loss again?”
“What if I can’t handle what comes my way?”
“What if I am not strong enough?”
“What if my body never fully heals from the trauma?”
Through being raw with the Lord (I’ve had a few yelling sessions) and honest about my fears and state of mind, I’ve realized that it is okay to admit when I am weak. If I continually bury the fears without facing my true state, they will always resurface and the pattern of fear will continue.
It’s a myth that constantly pushing away fear is a sign of courage. Courageous living is when fear is acknowledged, faced head on but then handed over to the one who can abolish it in His love. It’s the only way fear can be purged from our life. When I let Him do the final work, the burden doesn’t remain and there is rest in it. It comes down to this:
“Do I trust Him more than my fears and my weaknesses?”
As I’m waiting for our baby to arrive, I’m reminded of a prayer I prayed over my daughter soon after my last ectopic hospital stay. “May she have no fear because she knows who loves her.”